Its Not Easy Being Green.

I have been thinking life can change a lot with change of boundaries of region but maybe that is not true. We are stuck with the people who gave birth to us, who shared home and who shared our time growing up. No matter how hard you try things like that always come back and bite you in the ass. You see change in people who make fun of you behind your back and turn up sweet when they need you. Probably, being a joke cannot justify the humiliation and mockery one has to bear in a Pakistani society if he is known as gay. One loses family, friends and yet is constantly expected to remain humble and nice whenever someone turn towards them. People turn up with a borderline condescension and mean attitude, expect you to be grateful that they came to you.

I have just been asked from my family to support them financially while rubbing it on my face that they don’t want to know I am getting married and telling not to return back, yet at the same time I am expected to greet, rejoice and involve into every fucking event of their lives. I have seen friends taking my name and pulling snide jokes on me so very casually while smiling back looking at me. I have read facebook statuses where I am joke to old friends pulling insults to tease other people who once were friends. Yet most of them, come back to me, asking for support whenever they require and I am expected to be nice, since if I am not nice it’s because “I am gay”, “I am atheist” and some freak they don’t want to be associated with ever.

I don’t know how to handle such bigotry and deep rooted hatred. It’s good that I am far away from them physically before any of them stood up as a staunch muslim shooting me dead to gain their Jannat, but somehow I still cannot seem to purge them out of my life. Only I wish I have known how to get out of this as a bigger person. I can fight back, insult, mock as they do but it will only make me just like them. Or is it because I still believe they will change one day and realize how they have done as much harm as possible to my life, personality and sanity. I fear how they will manage, if any of their children is born gay or realize that their beliefs are as silly as fairy tales. The damage done by them is so huge I believe I will be picking up the pieces for most of my life with the hope that things will change. Or maybe I should just put a stop to it. Shun every single one of them and move on. It doesn’t make me a better person does it? It just makes me one of them and I don’t want to be one of them.

A Comment for someone: I think it should be read by everyone in Pakistan

Let me tell you a small story.. there was a guy living in a small town in interior Sindh. belonging to middle class family (comparatively to the rest of people in small town). Schooled and lived within the same city because apparently visiting cities like city of lights was pretty costly so it used to happen not very often. Bullied at his school most part because apparently his gay-ness was not that subtle and from bullying I am not talking about verbal bullying.. no no my friend. Twice he had to grab penises of his class mates to give a good rub because no one likes to take a swollen eye to home where he is considered to be one of the brave and macho boys because he was not interested into cricket. Guy turned out to be good (if not impeccable) with English language because most of his life his only escape was books.. Any book he can put his hands on or can afford.
Anyways, long story short he finally got admission into one of technical universities in city of lights. He was happy that finally he will move to the big city where people will not know the shameful incidences. past will be just past. His family moved to the big city as well since finally there was opportunity for everyone to get out of that small town. He finished his studies and got a job in a small company which was serving international clients where he earned only 20% of what his salary should have been if he was working in those countries. The guy since was into books whatever he can get, he came to know a new side of world, which was more rational with no cute stories of a man and a woman falling from heaven to populate the planet earth. Long story short he transitioned from being religious-to-spiritual-to-agnostic-to-atheist, if we can trivialize it we can say him being gay played role since his birth religion was very clear on burning down the whole towns upon such un-natural acts.
He never deterred in providing what his family needed financially because his under grad degree was enough to get him a job. With that he kept on saving money for his masters and got admission in one fancy business school. There smoked for the first time in his life.. drank for the first time with his new friends. and partied in a new world which was not at all like the one where he went back every night. That did not impact in any way his family and his complete moral and financial support to family.
The perfect two lives he was living came to grounds when 2 of his best friends told his parent about him being gay (keeping the extreme goodness and religious brother-hood in their hearts). he was beaten, and was kept locked up in home for almost a week. and later was given permission to go to office and come back home under strict vigilance. this kept on happening for almost 6 months when finally he got a job offer from city of heritage and culture. This was the first time he stood up for his right of living his life. he told his family that their prayers and religious meds didn’t work very well and he was still a guy liking, atheist bad guy who is corrupted.
He finally moved to city of culture and during that he saved up some money as well to apply for immigration for some country where he can live his life as it is. Not flaunting, not cursing anyone and completely supporting his family financially. He finally got the immigration and now he is planning to make the big move. He loves his country as much as a minority in hiding can. He spent 31 years of his life in this country. He paid the taxes. He didn’t rape any one. he didn’t steal or cheat. he rather avoided bad situation by going an extra mile because at the end of the day he cannot risk his life for being an atheist gay who doesn’t support any of current political parties because:
1. most of them are the parties he saw being in power in his 31 years of life span more than once and he knew it all along they didn’t do anything but eat the shit out of this country.
2. The only new party developing was by a person who spent all his life playing cricket and opening a hospital for which rest of the country paid. now maybe the statement be a little biased, probably because the protagonist didn’t like cricket as such because he got f***ked (and I am not cursing here)  for the first time in his life forcefully because he lost a cricket match. or maybe he knows the history of this hot headed irrational bully cricketer who is right now supporting Taliban subliminally.

Finally he now is ready to go out of this country for good after 31 years. The guy has full right on this country even once he leaves.. he was born here, he spent the most important years when he had the most energy to serve in this country. he is not scared to leave the big shot company he is working for right now. he perfectly knows he wont have a job once he land there and will have only money enough to survive only few months. he might end up at some gas station or as a security. but he is sure he will make his way through. and he will someday be at the same place where he is right now. Only minus the colleagues who brings the topic of his marriage every second day and snide derogatory remarks about if he is physically fit or not for marriage, or if he is Gandu (followed by a laughter). He smiles and let the situation go. you know why because he knows it will get better. Maybe somewhere he will not be insulted at least by his family and colleagues of not following their path of producing 12 babies in this babies ridden country.

Do you want to take away his right to criticize for what’s wrong with the country just because he chose to save his life while living as normally as everyone else is. you want to take away the rights of him being citizen of this country because he is trying to get paid what he actually deserves. you want to take away rights of him who even after all that is still taking care of his family. and lastly you want to take away rights of him just because he continuously worked hard while being abused and bullied for a better future, maybe enough electricity to run all day and own a good car some day and have an air-conditioned home. why? because if you do you are as bad the first person who pushed penises in his hands, who raped the guy, who bullied him throughout his life, who punished him for being gay though it was not in his hands and make fun of him because he doesn’t see the world through your glasses of religion anymore.

I don’t know what to say after that my friend. and by the way that guy is me. and there is no exaggeration in the above mentioned story.

Don’t stereotype people. Don’t criticize them personally if you cannot provide them all that personally.

(p.s. Although I was typing all this as a comment, it can easily make a good post for my blog.)


In response to a blog post:

Permanent Residency: Finally!

After the wait of almost 3 years on 10-Dec-2013 I got my permanent residency of Australia. Extremely excited and happy I am when i received the golden email in my mailbox. I am practically jumping around, getting high on serotonin release in my brain and almost the rush of euphoria in my veins. It was a life changing achievement, however it is only the beginning of a new life (not to mention) from scratch. Now I will have to move to a country I practically don’t know anyone in. I will have to quit my bank job (which people consider settled) and look for a new one in a strange country. Not as strange perhaps since I am about to finish the second book about Australia, but still the first hand experience is missing. I have made few connections there just in case I am in some deep shit.

With all the tension of starting over, I am still happy because of the hope that I am going to leave this country behind very soon. Not to declare that I hate it ( I love it very much since it sheltered me major part of my life) but somehow it was not enough. Somehow it never gave me the sense of comfort, peace of mind and ways to achieve my dreams while being me.

Having other than conventional orientation is huge reason I cannot settle in this country (let alone being Atheist) where even most of the educated lot have difficulty in digesting that. (Some) people can tolerate you; they cannot like you in here. Period. Its in their blood, years and years of reinforcement of religious dogma and hypocrisy ensures that things don’t change any time soon.

And its not like I will never come back. I might some day but the return will have to be grand. 🙂

New Life in Lahore – After 1 Year

Almost after one and half year, I feel like writing here again. It’s funny how things change. A year back I was brooding about bad relationships and now there are all the new problems up my sleeves to bitch about. Being a heretic pink guy, I can still be singled out in any gathering, not because I want to but because rest of the cliché sounds galactically STUPID. Let’s take things one by one to bitch about:

Karachiites vs. Lahoris:

I always maintained Karachi’s pink scene was not good, but Lahore’s pink brigade is bitch par excellence. No offence to any Lahori reader, I am loving Lahore and I would dare say my moving to Lahore was one of the major milestones of my life and it changed my life completely; however there is an extra pinching bitchiness in air when I am surrounded by gay crowd here making it borderline(ish) unbearable. Anyways I digress.

Will to get out:

My intention to get out of here is getting stronger with every passing day. Though things are going smoothly, but I am still not satisfied for what I have. I can do better.

New Home:

Finally from the Zoo I was living in I have moved to a proper home. And though it’s sublet;  yet I love the place. It’s calm, green and beautiful. I guess the dream of living alone is finally becoming true. But anyways we all learn from our mistakes and I have always learned the things hard way. No matter for how long I am going to stay in Lahore I have made my home a proper home (and not a hostel). Only thing which is missing now I guess is a bar but am working on it.

My Dane (Athena):

I recently bought a beautiful Labrador retriever. It’s a Dane and 2 months old. She has brought a new life in home and some punctures in my hands :D, but that’s worth it. As of this moment we got 5 cats in our home and a dog, next thing I would like to buy is an alligator but I don’t see it happening any time sooner.

It’s a very personal post, but I guess I owe it to myself for the changes I have made in my life. I am proud though still in struggling mode but things have gotten better than ever before. I am taking it step by step (oh Ms. Houston)!

Sense of Realization

:).. Well for me it is very difficult to move on, so I decided to not stop trying. And in a way I am seeing what actually went wrong. More like when one goes through something which other is going through he gets enlightened with the psychological state; start to see the point which has gone wrong. I won’t give out any personal details since it’s not the matter of only my privacy but also of my boyfriend’s as well. But I think what I thought is causing that problem is proving itself to be right..

And again that’s the place where I can help the person. After all you stick with those people in bad hour who you think as the most precious. I know he is going to hate me for that.. 😀 but some day he will realize that I am with him because I care for him, I can help and he needs it (by me or someone else) [which I am sure he doesn’t know].

Besides the fact that I have fallen head over heels for him, there is a sense of realization. Realization of the fact that it could have easily been me.

Okay, I know I may sound like a self-righteous prick who is trying most desperately to justify for what he is doing, but I enjoy hoping against hope. I enjoy taking challenges because they are rewarding. Moving on is easier. Shagging with every possible [gay] guy under the sun is convenient and an easy escape from taking life seriously. Sex is important of course but not at the expense of losing people who you care about. Besides, that’s not the life I want. To get something, one needs to put an effort; one has to compromise. Trust me no one is perfect in this world so instead of looking for Prince Charming we all need to learn to work on our existing relations. It’s not a high school anymore where you move from one group circle to the other  just to make an statement or to fit in. I am taking things seriously be it in my professional or personal life and that’s the only way to have a content living.